


How Not to Pitch an Offer

by DarkMK



Series: The Pitch World-Hopping Series [1]
Category: Frozen (2013), Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, but it's all in good fun, slight ooc-ness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 21:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12284418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMK/pseuds/DarkMK
Summary: Pitch Black, the Nightmare King, attempts to convince the exiled Queen Elsa to join his plan for revenge.Or:In which Pitch most emphatically does not throw a tantrum, and certainly hasn't lost his powers of persuasion.





	How Not to Pitch an Offer

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to move some of my writings from fanfiction.net over here to ao3, beginning with this one. It's one of my favorites, just because it was the first time I ever experimented with writing pure humor, and I was just able to have so much fun with it. It ended up spawning a small mini-series of one-shots, which I will also post here within the next couple of weeks, hopefully. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little crazy jaunt of a crossover!

_What goes together better than cold and dark?_

It had seemed such a fine line. His plan had been fool-proof! How could Jack fail to comprehend the beauty of his proposition? But nooooo, he had to take the high-and-mighty Guardians' side. Even when they had rejected him and driven him off, he was still Mr. Goody-Goody.

Pitch stomped to the side of his lair and slammed his fist against the wall. And now, thanks to that brat, he had been stuck down here with a swarm of Nightmares gone rogue! It had taken him ages to force them back under his control. Now he had to come up with a brand new plan to defeat the Guardians!

But the last one had been so perfect. He had spent decades working out all the details. He hated to throw it away and start again from scratch. And it had nearly worked, right? All he needed was to find some way to counter Jack Frost's annoying influence. If only there was someone else who had winter powers, but didn't have that strong moral center. Yes, someone nice and conflicted…maybe even fearful…Where would he find such a person?

As he paced back and forth through the depths of his lair, contemplating his options, there was a sudden flash of light in front of him and he jerked back. "What the-!"

It was…a fairy. He scowled at it and raised his fist. "Oh, look, one of the Tooth Fairy's little stingers, come to pay me a visit. Well, I have some stinging I owe you in return…" Wait a minute. Tooth's fairies didn't have bubbles of colored light surrounding them. And they couldn't just appear places. What was this…

It suddenly spun around and flew up in his face. "Ta-da! I'm a wishing fairy!" it announced, as if in answer to his question.

He stared at it. "A wishing fairy. There's no such thing." Especially not dressed in a tight blue mini-skirt.

She…it…whatever, waved a finger at him. "Don't say that! Every time someone says that wishing fairies don't exist, POOF, they vanish! And only clapping your hands makes them come back!"

He glowered at her. "Inconveniently for me, you didn't disappear. I shall try again. You. Don't. Exist!"

Dramatically, she clutched one hand to heart and the other to her head. "Oh, oh, no! The only way to save me is for you to clap your hands!"

"Whatever." Pitch didn't have time for such nonsense. He stalked away to the nearest pool of shadows. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten that he was too weak to teleport. Curses.

"Hey, don't walk away when someone is talking to you!" she snapped, suddenly appearing in front of him again. "Especially not when they could be dying!"

Pitch groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What do you want?"

Instantly cheerful again, she declared, "I'm here to grant your wish!"

He stared at her. "My what?"

"Your wish! From a far-off star, I heard your soul's wordless cry for a maiden of ice with whom to share your heart." She sighed dreamily.

"What are you talking about—I want no such thing!"

"Shut up! I'm granting your wish here!" She resumed her spiel. "Well, fear not, for in a land and time far from here, there dwells just such an ice maiden, one of lonely heart who desires nothing more than warm hugs." She sighed again. "And now, I shall send you across the barriers of time and space to her side!"

"Wait, what—!" But he was cut off as she waved a wand, snapped her fingers, and everything went white.

And stayed white. The winds picked up and the temperature dropped down. It took him a moment to realize that he was in a blizzard. "Oh, for the love of—! Is there no end to this humiliation?" he shouted at the drifts surrounding him.

But wait…what was that feeling? Could it be…? He inhaled deeply and his eyes shimmered. _Yes_. The delicious taste of fear and doubt! And only a short distance away if he surmised correctly. Unfortunately, he couldn't teleport and had no other method of travel. Except walking.

Oh, if only that fairy brat had deigned to send one of his Nightmares with him! He was Pitch Black, The Nightmare King! He didn't wade through snow drifts!

Unless the only alternative was to sit in said snow drifts. With a growl, he flung himself forward into the wind.

Thankfully, it didn't take long to reach his goal, which turned out to be a grandiose ice palace. It would have looked halfway nice if there had been more spikes, and less swirly snowflakes designs. It did make him mildly curious, though. It had clearly been created through magic. Winter magic, by chance? And if the fear he felt came from its creator, why, this could be perfect! He would be able to defeat the Guardians _and_ Jack Frost, after all!

He breathed the scent of fear in deeply and felt strength returning to him. _Aaah._ Gathering himself together, he stepped into the shadow of a tree and teleported inside.

He appeared right next to a girl dressed in a blue gown far too lightweight for such a frigid location. Yes, she had to be the one with ice powers. Pitch opened his mouth. "I am Pitch Black, the Nightmare Ki—"

In retrospect, startling her from behind probably wasn't the smartest idea. He found himself suddenly pinned to the wall by spikes of ice. Grimacing in annoyance, he dissolved into shadow and reformed a few feet away. "Do you mind? Do you know how hard it is to get wrinkles out of this?"

She stared at him. "Who are you? And how did you get in here?" She managed to speak crystal clear and held her head high, but he could still feel that delicious fear shifting underneath the surface.

"I am Pitch Black, the Nightmare King!" He waved his hands with a flourish. "And I am here to make you an offer! You may join me as my lieutenant, and help me to conquer the world!"

She stared at him for a long moment and then rolled her eyes. "I am already a Queen. Why would I join you as a lieutenant?"

Okay, so she was a queen. This could still work. He could still feel the doubt behind that statement. "Because I am the Nightmare King! I…would allow you to rule with me, of course."

She laughed aloud. This could be bad. The scent of fear was now dissolving rapidly. "Why would I want to rule with you?"

Pitch desperately tried to recover the situation. What did she want most? "It's a place where you would always belong! What goes together better than cold and dark?"

"I prefer the way that ice refracts the light. Now, leave me alone!" She waved a hand and the ice under his feet suddenly moved toward the door.

He managed to teleport again, closer to her. "You cannot refuse me!" he threatened. "I will—!"

He froze. Quite literally. Into a block of ice. Which she then shoved out the door and onto the hillside, face first in a pile of snow.

Ooookay then. Maybe his persuasion skills needed a little bit of work.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, you made it to the end, so congrats for that, and I hope you enjoyed it! The wishing fairy was my own little invention, something of a cross between the Blue Fairy of _Pinocchio_ and Tinkerbell of _Peter Pan_ (is my love of Disney showing through here?), who existed purely as a plot device to make this crossover happen. But she ended up taking on a life of her own, and just made me laugh with her dramatic antics. 
> 
> Part Two of the series will be posted next week!


End file.
